God can you hear me?
I have talked to the void many, many times. Wondering. Hoping.
I have asked the questions, sometimes through silent sobs. You know the ones that wrench your insides, the ones that make your head feel like it might implode if the pressure is not released. The questions that are filled with why, how come and it’s just not fair.
They have been different over the years. They began when I noticed my dad was not a dad, why did he this, why did he that? Year after year seemed to have a way of creating more scars, more questions.
No answers.
Left to my own devices I created more and more questions. I just wasn’t helping myself. I just did not have a way to turn things around. Trouble begets trouble, ain’t that the truth!
Then one day (don’t you hate it when people say that, but it’s true, one day…) I went to church with friends and decided there had to be another way. I realize I’m slipping into TV Evangelist speak so I will do my best here… The other way was to say yes to Heaven. That was my 16 year old thinking at the time. I know, I know religious fanatics, take it easy I know it’s God, I know it’s Jesus. But there and then someone asked me about Heaven and I decided I would go there one day.
I have gone through many ebbs, many flows since then but I still believe it. It’s still a comfort.
I still have many questions, things I do not understand.
Why does one die and one live? One healed, one not? I don’t know. There are still sobs.
I have learnt a few things along the way that take the sting out of the “not knowing” though, I call them hope, peace and grace. They are not book learning outcomes, they are outcomes that come from giving up, closing my eyes and lifting my heart Heavenward to a God I cannot see. It is not an equation I can apply a formula to, it’s a deep breath in and a decision to trust that even when I do not know, He knows and makes a way through.
Ignorance and entitlement made me think I needed every answer. I was wrong. I do not oversee the universe and I do not deserve to know everything about everyone. None of us do. That’s hard, I get that. But faith to believe it is on the other side of trusting He wants the best for you.
There will be hard times, that’s a fact. I do not waste my breath debating it. Have I deserved the sadness? That is the wrong question. Am I alone in my sadness? Will I ever get through this sadness? Will I ever be OK again? These are the right questions. They are the answers I have.
Many highs, many lows, but One constant, never changing, the same yesterday, today and forever One has a way through for me.
I will be OK.
Deep breath in, eyes closed, I am never, ever, ever alone.
The Sequel 