Monthly Archives: March 2014

Lonely

Loneliness rounds me up in circles and then jumps up and bites me on the bum! So unexpected and more brutal than I had ever imagined possible.

I spent 21.5 years with Paul, dreaming the same dreams, planning things, facing disasters – you know life!

Then he was gone.

Just gone.

My mind couldn’t comprehend what was happening. I remember a swirl of emotions, knowing I didn’t want him to suffer, but wanting him to live,I  felt sucked down by the reality of what was happening in front of me. A horror movie …and I couldn’t find the off switch.

It took me 6 months to realize that horror movie was in fact my life. No more reliance on numbness or simple denial, realities wanted me to face them. I hate you realities. You are very very cruel. Reality doesn’t allow you the luxury of believing the mind tricks that it is just all a cruel joke. So I woke up and Paul wasn’t here.

Just gone.

He lives vividly in my mind, in my heart and every deep place within me, but it’s not the same. I want to get mad at someone, but it’s no ones fault. I don’t like the medical process that he went through, but I believe they were trying to help Paul live, I can’t hate them for that.  Guilt swallows any chance of getting mad at Paul, he did leave me, but not by choice.

So I’m only left with being mad at myself. Weird? Maybe. But I get mad at being lonely, mad for not doing more, mad for not understanding our finances more, mad at everything I have to do that demands I say out loud Paul died. A woman asked me about my husband today, she didn’t know, it was like a punch in the stomach…I get mad at that.

I don’t want to be lonely, I want to be enough. To never want anyone else’s affection or love. To be alone, but happy to be alone. Big problem there, I am not happy to be alone. I don’t believe we are designed for loneliness, but for togetherness, for families. So no, I haven’t figured it all out yet. And friends in faith, relax, I have not turned my back on God. Instead I look at Him straight up and plead “How?” Say a prayer for me as you turn to snuggle your partner tonight because one day you may feel lonely too and then I will say a prayer for you.

I have a certainty that I will not let go of, that God is for me, not against me. That He loves me first, before I even wake up each day. So I will sort this sucker out beyond platitudes, I just don’t have all the answers today. Today I just felt lonely.

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Stuck in the Middle

Honey,

Rock Heart When you died my world darkened. Colours lost their accents, and breath was hard to take in. Dramatic? Sure, as were the changes life took on without you. To be honest I didn’t really know that I could live this life without you. I didn’t want to.

The sun keeps rising, keeps setting, and still you don’t come back to me. And I’m stuck in the middle.

Between life with you and life without you.

Between past purpose and new hope.

Between the security of everyday and emptiness.

Stuck – needing to go forward, but not wanting to leave you in the past. Memories of you are great, but they can’t hold me. You are in my heart forever, but not in my arms.

Stuck in the middle isn’t somewhere I can live, not truly. It’s not a place that thrives. So I need to move to the next place my love. I need to be unstuck and I think I can see how. Really, I think I can and you helped me with that. “We love because He first loved us” the bible says of God’s love for us. He loves me, and He did it first. Before you died, before the tragedy my life became, before I got stuck in the middle. You knew that, you lived with that wonderful truth every day. Thank you.

God knew your days and knows my days. Nothing has shocked Him, He is unswerving. When my days were dark, He was there and He isn’t afraid of it. Where God is in my life He misplaces the dark. So in my dark days now I can see a little brighter, a little clearer and I will keep choosing to do so.
The ache is still there, consuming at times, but sometimes it gets swallowed by the light instead of it swallowing me. He loved you first, before me, and He loved me first, before you. I find comfort in that.


What’s in a Name?

whats in a a name

A name locates me. A name, something I am called, something I answer to and recognize. It’s a familiarity that grabs my attention and asserts my focus. So why change it? (The blogs’ name, not my actual name.) Because I am changing, what locates me is changing.

What’s changing? The 2.6 of you that may actually read this asks! Well…Love letters to Paul is an extreme personal thing that I felt to do in order to kind of leak some of the love for my husband out into the world. To show that true love exists, not perfect, but true. True love changes people, it changed me, and it will continue to do so. Not just romantic love, but including romantic love. As the fog lifts, the shock wears off, and you begin to recover from the horridness of the shock wearing off (never underestimate the benefits of shock!!) new questions spring to mind. Now what? Who am I now? How do I…? So many things. My partner is gone, with me forever, but so not present. I wish he was, I wish it every day, but he’s not and the shock and denial do need to wane. I have to go on. I can love him forever, and ever, and ever, but I need to surface and live the life I’m left with.

Life after Loss is just that. As I try to answer the questions my soul is asking and dare to try to move forward…without Paul. It’s with pure reluctance that I do, yet necessary for me, my kids, my purpose, and my life. I am pretty sure that “Love Letters to Paul” will still be written in my heart, and maybe on this page, so to that end, they will remain here categorized as such.

My bridegroom, my God, waits to care, welcoming and totally able to help me face this life you and I must live. As I find a truth I will share it, and I hope my journey can bless you. Hope shared not pity, life shared not just pain. Pain is a part of life, but not the only part. There are some big things to tackle, loneliness, purpose, career, single parenthood to name a few, but one day at a time and each in its own time.  There will be life after this tremendous loss and I am just about that stubborn as to find it.

“For your Maker is your bridegroom, his name, God-of-the-Angel-Armies!
Your Redeemer is The Holy of Israel, known as God of the whole earth.
You were like an abandoned wife, devastated with grief, and God welcomed you back,
Like a woman married young and then left,” says your God.

……It’s with lasting love that I’m tenderly caring for you. “ (Is 54: 5-8 The Message)


His hand…

My love, I felt you near me in the days gone by… so close, I knew your eyes could see into mine.
I felt your will whisper to mine “you can do this, you will be fine”, my heart wasn’t sure… it’s still broken and sore.
You watched us celebrate, saw us laugh, and looked with love at your babes.
I know your happy and want us to be so too, your free, no more pain, and want us to be so too.
I love you my friend, and so much more, but we will be fine, life is going on.
My weakness is strong, and overpowers, it repels and not everyone can look at it, or me.
But I think I get it, I’m not concerned. I know my weakness is not the end.
My hand is in your hand, it forever will be, through my Gods’ ever so long and reaching own Hand.
Mine in His, His in yours, it’s a miracle for sure, I can love you forevermore.


I am Mum and can be no more

Image

Honey, I miss you in so many ways.

Of course I miss your touch, your smile, your friendship, I miss everything always. But today I miss you as the kids Dad. I relied on your support and reassurance every day. I wish beyond any wish possible that you were back here, sharing the load, helping to steer this ship. I try to be everything they need, but fail before I begin because it is an impossible task to tackle.

I am Mum and can be no more.

I know they struggle and strain missing you, they love you and miss all their own things about you. It kills me that I can never fill that void. Pray for them won’t you? Although you and I cannot be all they need and require, I do know God can be. This is it, rubber hitting the road time, where I throw all my trust onto God as their Father, the Dad of all dads, and pray they choose to see Him. Not something to be forced, although I wish I could.

I am Mum and can be no more…but thank God I don’t need to be.


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