Monthly Archives: October 2014

The Upside of Death

light in the dark

What is it about death that causes you to stand up and pay attention to life?

I used to be a very content home body. Happy being wife and mum, in fact, I felt it was my highest calling. I know I’m supposed to go on about how women can have it all these days, but for me, it was having it all. Oftentimes that calling was exhausting and time alone at home was a rare prize. But I loved it. Now I can hardly contain the need to get out and live.

I guess living becomes more deliberate, more on purpose; after all it is precious and finite. I know that now. I think the living helps the loss to shrink. It pushes grief out of the way, like light chasing away the shadows and illuminating a path to hope I was convinced I’d never see again. Not denial, I certainly know it happened, that empty space beside me screams it, I am fully aware of what I have lost.

I also feel a responsibility to show the kids life goes on, even after our darkest days. I’m it, the only parent left so I better be fit, healthy and living a full and happy life. I can do this, and so can they. Of course, realistically, I still have grief moments that interrupt the living, but they are part of the remembering and that’s OK, as long as the living is resumed.

Loving kids, family and friends have been crucial, I would not have made it on my own.  But I can see now that my faith has been a huge influence. Even when I blamed God and couldn’t understand how He was loving and just in letting Paul die, even then, I felt His hand in the small of my back nudging me on, willing me to live. A patient Gentlemen who never swore back at me, even in the coldness of my accusations. I am eternally grateful.

So I guess this is an upside of grief…that seems so wrong to write, but surely I deserve an upside, a silver lining, a rainbow after the storm?? Life is the upside.  A determined spotlight on living.

The contrast between life and death is massive, like the difference between light and dark. Once the light hits the darkness it just isn’t dark anymore.

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Bull by the Horns!

I am doing well.

16 months into this journey I know I am a different person to what I was. I now feel a determination to get on with life. To take the preverbal bull by the horns, dig my heels in and live. Oops mixed metaphors! But one was not enough!

I don‘t want to think about death all the time, I get it already!! I know grief and I just don’t want to look at it anymore. I know I will still have moments; I’m not naive to that. But the doom and gloom has to end. I’m giving it immediate notice, it needs to move out, its role has ceased.

Instead, I can look to living well and begin to make decisions that bring hope for the future. I will always, always love my Paul, no question there. Indisputable.  But I think even he will be glad to gaze down from Heaven and think “Thank God woman, just get the heck on with it!” I knew him, I know how he thought. Just not sure if you can say “heck” from actual Heaven??

If something scares me I just need to do it afraid from now on. I believe strongly that God has my back, I will be OK. He is my backstop, nothing gets by Him. I also know myself and know I’ll stuff something up. I am over emotional at times, read situations more sensitively than I ought and discouragement can chase me. Maybe I should just let those things through to the Keeper.

I will take the bull by the horns, stare that sucker in the eye and bullrefuse to let him run me down. I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what the actual future holds, really none, but I am going to live it anyway.

I am going to live it well, no bull.


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