The first movie in a series is often the best, the sequel not always delivering the same hype. They kill off a main character at the end and you just can’t see beyond it. A lead character is gone, how can it ever be the same again?
It can’t. Blunt for sure, as is death. Harsh I know, I lived it.
What I forgot was this: – I am also a main character. I get to live on if I choose. That’s what this blog will attempt to address. The gap between devastatingly, hopeless grief and a sequeled life that equals the original in happiness, fulfillment and hope.
The death of my partner was one of those unfathomable events in life. It took me were I didn’t want to go and brought with it such depth of pain, loss and loneliness that I thought I could not surely survive. This page is an attempt to heal. A place for my grief and my love for my Paul to be sent out into the world. It may include letters, thoughts and the healing quotes of others that have soothed my ache so far. Please respect my personal space, it may be raw…but it will always be real. I have faith in God and believe He holds my heart tenderly and is walking beside and leading the way gently as I begin to navigate life anew.
The facts before
Paul and I were married 20 years, 4 months, 2 weeks and 3 days! I loved him deeply, and he reciprocated beautifully. We have 3 children and although it is their story too, I will leave them to pen their own thoughts, their own way, and in their own time. We moved from a large city in 2011 to begin a new chapter. 11 months later he was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, cancer of the plasma cells. The worst news then was that he may only have 10 years to live, the horrible reality was only 17 months. After a partial remission, the cancer seemed to explode. After months in hospital, brain surgery, radiation, chemo and the fatal stem cell transplant, he was gone…
A few years later I am remarried and happy but I have lost so much in between. The most devastating is that my kids lost their Dad and there’s nothing I can do about that.
There are many effects from the original sucker punch that still leave me defenseless to other attacks. Here is where I try to unpack those things and find a way into the happiness before me.
To every sequel there is a prequel. I have one and you have one. They matter too. They are the backstory to how you cope, how you see yourself and how you will see the future. At some point I will look at that as well.
The facts now
In December 2015 I married a widower. It was so “meant to be” that we couldn’t ignore it. We have grieved together, healed together and live a new life together trying to incorporate our late spouses in our everyday. We have 3 kids each, that makes 10 in our family. That will never change. We are happy, really and truly. But we do face challenges and complications. Of course we do, just like you.