Do you ever have heavy days? I do. Not your period or weighing yourself on the scales! I’m talking the weight on your shoulders, the fog in your brain and the sad in your heart. I had one of those yesterday. No reason for it, nothing bad happened. I just felt heavy.
I heard a song that began a ripple, like seismic activity beginning deep inside, that created a wave, that brought me to where I sit right now. One small tear escaped and made me think about my first husband. He was a good man, and I had the privilege of having his love. I know he loved me. Not everyone can say that, I know I was, and still am, one of the lucky ones. We all miss him, we miss him very, very much.
Grief can sweep you off your feet in a moment, or slowly gain momentum until it reaches a point that it has become unstoppable. It can take you where you don’t want to go. I don’t want to be in this funk, it’s not where I want to be. But it’s the price I paid when I first let him into my heart.
I remember panicking when he would go surfing and not come home for hours. The reality was he just didn’t have a watch and was having fun. He didn’t know dinner had been ready, he just knew when the sun went down. But I sat at home imagining his funeral, how dumb was that! I was so fearful of losing him. I had to consciously tell myself it was unlikely, unreasonable and talk myself back into normal all the while praying for peace to calm my scared heart. There were nearly 20 years in between that fear and actually losing him. I’m so glad I didn’t waste all those years fearing I would lose him. I know I did lose him, but I had 20 years. 20 years, 3 kids, a home and a life together. I am grateful for that, at the same time I’m sad about that.
Although our lives together ended, I still have a life to live. To love, to give and be with those that are still here. I still have a purpose. It didn’t end when his days did. I breathe in, I breathe out. I cry at work and the new guy is freaked out! But I know I’m OK, it’s just releasing the pressure and allowing my heart to once again let love back in.
I will continue to tell myself “Don’t panic, don’t be unreasonable, or unrealistic” . Even though I know the realities, I still don’t want to waste my days. I will continue to pray for that peace. It’s supernatural, it’s real and it’s good. Faith hope and love are really good.
Good grief. I can feel again.