Monthly Archives: January 2014

I love you xx

Every time I step outside after dark I look up and see the stars you loved so much. It draws me back to sitting with you around camp fires. Sometimes, at home, I’d wander where you were only to find you standing outside soaking in the vastness, the beauty, the Heavens. I bet you have a great view now. I hope you do. Sometimes I wander, can you see me? See the kids? Do you think of us, we think of you, I think of you all the time. I get a coffee, I think of you. I drive your car, I think of you. I see your dog’s sad eyes, I think of you. Your side of our bed, I long for you.

I know that it’s easy to be romantic or idealistic when I remember you, I get to choose the memories I ponder on. But often, my thoughts about you spring into my head because I see something you made, or fixed, your clothes and after shave where you left them, your tools, your saddle and I remember you, the real you. And I love the real you. Scrunched leather cowboy hat sitting crookedly on your head, horse nibbling at it, trying to get your apple and a smile on your face. I remember how you spoke with passion, your  deep voice, your strong hands that held mine.

Thank you Honey, for loving me, for caring about the world, for being alongside me for 21 years. They weren’t always easy times, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Thank you for the way you loved me, with purity, strength, zeal, and passion. You taught me a lot about love and how to be loved. I wasn’t always good at that, but you never gave up trying to make me feel like the apple of your eye. You changed me in many ways, I am better because you love me.

I miss you my love, my friend. I ache missing you, no words able to express the longing that gapes through me when I when I remember you, the real you. I wish we could marvel at the night sky and I could kiss you goodnight even once more… but I would never let you go.

I love you Paul. I always will.

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Faith for me

I realized something today as I sat in the sand wandering why God had taken you, trying to figure out the unfigurable. I remembered in the weeks before you went I sat on your hospital bed and we talked about your suffering, about the pain in your body, and in your heart. If Jesus had died for us, for our suffering, “It is finished”, the battle won, then why did we have to fast, keep pleading, and begging? We felt it was rubber hitting the road time, a chance to prove that it’s about what we believed, not what we do. We couldn’t “do” anything. Even the basics of life were being stripped away, the capacity to “do” gone. We had to believe that you would be healthy and whole. Thank God for it, still commit ourselves to Him, and be grateful for the hundreds praying, that was tangible, an incredible sense of being carried through a rough season.

Here’s the thing… the proving wasn’t for your healing, it was for mine.

 I had hoped with all the hope I could muster that you would not only live, but live healed and whole. Well you are, just not in the way I wanted it, not how I’d hoped. To be honest my hope slipped then. I didn’t think you would die, leave me, or choose to go. I was alone. I still am, but I see now the believing is up to me, you already have your wholeness, now it’s my turn. I have to believe the same things now… Thank God for it, still commit myself to Him, and be grateful for the hundreds praying, it feels less tangible, but I think that’s because my heart carries a wound. So now I believe God that I will be healthy and whole, I will find hope, because He has already given it. The wound needs attention, it still gapes, often prone to infection and has debilitating side effects that all have the power to take me out. I will believe though, not much to “do” but I will choose to see the hope in a future unseen. I see God had me in mind all along, holding my hand, and waiting for me to see it. Image


My Promise to you xx

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I promise to live and find hope again. It seems dark and cold without you, but I know hope for future is there…somewhere

I promise to live again. To breathe again. To find joy again. Bit by bit, day by day…and not feel guilty for it.

I promise to not wreck all your tools, sorry If I’ve stuffed your drill, I know you hate that!

I promise to look after your cattle. And that dumb dog that misses you nearly as much as I do!

I promise to not get ripped off, to keep my eyes open and think about my budget.

I promise to never ever ever forget you, I promise to love for evermore. You are always going to be a very special part of me, I like that.

I promise to pursue the freedom we found in Christ.

I promise to never give myself to anyone else who doesn’t love me properly, like you did, like you taught me to expect. Man, I love how you loved me.  And I guess love me still.

I promise to forgive God for taking you away from me. That He loves me, and it’s not punishment or that I deserve crap.

I promise to never let the kids forget you, not that I think they will. I cannot be Dad to them, but I will try to be a good mum.

I promise to get it together and try to get a job so we can move onward.

I promise to not isolate myself, to let people in, to stay vulnerable.

I will try and see the world and do things, I know you would want that.


This is why honey…

Hi Honey, I hope you don’t mind but I am sharing you with my little world. I’m gonna keep telling you how much I love you, how much I always will, and someone else might read it too. It’ll be good for me; it helps our love live on a bit more. Some days I miss you so much it’s hard to function, life isn’t the same anymore. I know I never have to let you go, you can stay a part of me, in the very fabric of my soul, in the deepest part of my heart. But man, I really miss you here beside me. I miss you holding my hand, talking about our day, the way you were Dad to our kids, cuddling beside me, driving with you, your great coffee, how you could fix about anything, face challenges together…you know, everything!

You had me totally convinced you know that? That two really are better than one, I gave in and loved you with everything in me I could. It wasn’t always a smooth road, but thanks for walking it with me, bumps and all. Actually, some of those bumps added strength once we figured them out. You were good like that. Oh honey, you’re like home to me, warm, loving and comfy, I’m so damn homesick without you. I promised on your birthday that I would find hope again, and I will, we will. I know you want me to live my life here until I get to come there. The sun peaks through the clouds some days, it’s not searing, but I know seasons don’t last forever, they change, no two ever the same. It’s odd and scary to make plans without you, like I’m leaving you behind. I think you are praying for us though, and my plans are still our plans as long as I lean into God and let Him lead me. I love you my honey babe, play a song for me up there, and make it loud. xxxxxImage


The saddest of news 2nd June 2013

cropped-p1040612.jpgThis morning I lost my dearest friend, my soul mate, lover and forever bravest most courageous man I will ever know this side of heaven. No more suffering, all that pain finally gone. I love you Paul Gregson, I will miss you forever. Incomprehensible, shocked, and quite lost. Just didn’t know how else to tell you all. Thanks for the prayers. I believe he did get to live longer than expected, be my husband for 20 years, and a father for 18. So loved, so passionate about Jesus, he got to live 41 years, now, he sees Jesus face to face.


Message to Paul… before Heaven

IMAG0110 (2) usbTo my wonderful hubby, I love you! You have displayed such strength, courage, and determination over the last couple of months: you are truly inspiring. Poked and prodded for weeks, grueling treatments, operations, radiotherapy and more drugs than you could imagine (not fun ones… mostly!) and still your faith is unswerving because you know you are held by Someone bigger and greater than any Specialist. God who loves you without end and holds your life preciously and without demand. Having done all you keep standing. Good on you amazing friend. xxx


Reluctance…

Ah, when to the heart of man
Was it ever less than a treason
To go with the drift of things,
To yield with a grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end
Of a love or a season?

Robert Frost


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