Monthly Archives: June 2014

Proof of the Splinter

Proof of the Splinter

Milestone of the day…remove my own splinter simultaneously overcoming fear of small shards designed to kill me! My Paul was my splinter getterouterer, and a good one at that! He took charge, he gouged needles into my flesh until the deed was done regardless of my complaints. He did what needed to be done. Now I need to do what needs to be done on my own, and I can, I can do it. For me thats with Gods help, I will never have need to be without that.  Never underestimate small achievements, they may just lead to large realizations!


Floating

I’m learning to float…love this

Curving Toward Joy

“…and now I can hear Dad crying in the shower so I put my purple fleece over my head and close my eyes and plug my ears and with my elbows I squeeze my Dictionary tight against my chest.”

I stopped reading and sat quietly for a minute. The Bear snuggled deeper into my shoulder and I could feel the warmth of her breath against my neck.

This book. It’s good for us to read together, to share. It’s hard, too, because on each page I see some of the story of our past year, through the eyes of a young autistic girl – a girl very much like my beautiful Bear. A girl dealing with a devastating loss, and trying to find closure and empathy, and struggling to understand the adults around her.

I whispered hesitant words into the stillness. “Did you know I did that? Cried in the…

View original post 884 more words


Hope Hurts

Great thoughts on “Hope”

Blue Skies & Lollipops

hope image 3

Hope– such a lovely word. Pregnant with promise and potential. Hope is the favourable and confident expectation; it’s an expectant attitude that something good is going to happen and things will work out, no matter what situation we’re facing.

But I think hope also has a flip side. Hope is hard sometimes. And sometimes hope hurts. Charles Spurgeon said “Faith goes up the stairs that love has built and looks out the windows which hope has opened.” Sometimes opening that window and keeping it open hurts!

Hope hurts as it identifies what is missing or lacking. It hurts the longer it lingers without fulfilment. It requires a response. It demands a response. We can either respond to it with our hearts or we push it down. Responding to it brings a deepened sense of thirst, a deep ended ache. Often events in life reveal hidden secrets of our hearts. The…

View original post 270 more words


A piece of cake and red balloons

Image

It occurred to me, as things tend to do, that I write about the hard things much, much more than anything else. So today will be different.

Not that experiencing grief and being jolted into a new existence is a party accompanied by a piece of cake and red balloons! But I hope that as the numbness has long wore off and the shock of that reality has settled somewhat, I am able to see the brighter side of life once again. There can be things to look forward to again.

Grief is a robber. But like most robbers, they get caught eventually and hopefully you get your stuff back…not everything usually, but things are found again. To laugh and smile again, at anything, is priceless, I love to laugh. At first it’s accompanied by guilt, (how dare I laugh when someone suffered and died), but I must choose life and laughter is not only the best medicine, but it feels bloody good!

I am, of course, thankful for my wonderful kids, friends and family who have all been exceptional at loving me, not everyone has that. But also for the place I live, not the house but the town, the area, the community. I love it here, and if it wasn’t for Pauls pushing we wouldn’t be here. This is exactly where he wanted to be, where he left us, and it is home. I feel settled for the first time in years.

I am a control freak by nature (well probably from experience but today is about happy thoughts!), so change doesn’t always happen smoothly. I am trying to see change as a good thing, I can be and do whatever I like, new experiences, new job and maybe even new career. It’s not just a new chapter, but a whole new book “Janene – The Sequel” Oh gee that’s lame!! But you get the drift. This is one of those huge hurdles that appears more like a pole vault apparatus without the pole! To accept the possibility of moving on, alone, and that it’s Ok to do so.

I have been blessed I know. To have had the love of a good man, to know what that looks and feels like, is a gift. It’s a lovely thing to feel now that it doesn’t totally rip my heart out when I do; a gift I will have forever. It is a process of assimilating those feelings into a new part of my heart, Paul’s part of my heart.  Forever his, forever mine. As I do maybe my heart is freeing up for other things, other people…maybe.

So there is life in the old girl yet! Thank God! I wandered if I’d see the day. So maybe one day I will have that party with a piece of cake and red balloons…just maybe I will.


Joy to the Power of 3

Why is shared joy so much more enjoyable? Equally, why is shared pain easier to cope with? It doesn’t change the experience, the concert, the sporting event, but sharing something with someone special is different. And when you don’t… it makes the loneliness a bit more lonely.  Couples everywhere, good ones, bad ones, happy ones and not so happy ones.  Not begrudging, just missing the togetherness, the come along sidedness that comes with the knowing someone so intimately that they are an extension of yourself.

When you share joy it doesn’t just double, its like joy to the power of three. Your joy multiplied by your partners joy multiplied by the mutual joy! That’s a whole lot of joy.  I miss that. Other friends are great and help a lot, but at the end of the day, they go home partnered. I just go home.

It’s just one more thing to get used to I guess. Just another adjustment to make. I just loved being married. I really did and I grieve its loss. I love family. Thank God for the family and kids I do have.

So I will keep loving those around me, keep sharing their joy and maybe it will begin to multiply into something similar via one of those crazy maths equations!! I hope anyway, I’ll let you know.


The things I am now.

I am a single parent.

I am just Janene, no Janene and…

I am the payer of bills.

I am the keeper of my own secrets, not shared so much.

I am the decision maker for EVERYTHING…including toilets!

I am owner of a car stuck in my yard cause I don’t know how to make it go.

I am the owner of tools I cannot even name.

I am unsure what to do now.

When I lost my partner, I lost an actual partner. Shared decision making, shared responsibilities, shared love, shared frustrations, and shared fun all things of the past right now. I lost a good partner. But I think even when a partner is sick, sad or lacking somehow you still actually lose a part of yourself. Someone that you joined with for life vanishes from you, even if the vanishing began years before they died. Either way, life becomes something else, something you had never imagined. It becomes just me. It becomes just you.

So now I need to figure out who this “me” is. No one can do it for me. It just has to be done. Two things I know to do. One  is put one foot in front of the other and be open to the person I discover. To keep my eyes open and gingerly push on a door or two. Shyness and fear may try and hold me back. Why? Well that’s for another day!

Two is that I have a deep assurance that I am held by One greater than I am. I still have questions, less as time goes by, and some may never find answers. But my faith in God remains. I believe He restores, rebuilds and mends the broken. I am a candidate for all. What once flourished will do so again.

What do I do next?

Where do I go from here?

I don’t know, but at least I am willing to see.


%d bloggers like this: