It occurred to me, as things tend to do, that I write about the hard things much, much more than anything else. So today will be different.
Not that experiencing grief and being jolted into a new existence is a party accompanied by a piece of cake and red balloons! But I hope that as the numbness has long wore off and the shock of that reality has settled somewhat, I am able to see the brighter side of life once again. There can be things to look forward to again.
Grief is a robber. But like most robbers, they get caught eventually and hopefully you get your stuff back…not everything usually, but things are found again. To laugh and smile again, at anything, is priceless, I love to laugh. At first it’s accompanied by guilt, (how dare I laugh when someone suffered and died), but I must choose life and laughter is not only the best medicine, but it feels bloody good!
I am, of course, thankful for my wonderful kids, friends and family who have all been exceptional at loving me, not everyone has that. But also for the place I live, not the house but the town, the area, the community. I love it here, and if it wasn’t for Pauls pushing we wouldn’t be here. This is exactly where he wanted to be, where he left us, and it is home. I feel settled for the first time in years.
I am a control freak by nature (well probably from experience but today is about happy thoughts!), so change doesn’t always happen smoothly. I am trying to see change as a good thing, I can be and do whatever I like, new experiences, new job and maybe even new career. It’s not just a new chapter, but a whole new book “Janene – The Sequel” Oh gee that’s lame!! But you get the drift. This is one of those huge hurdles that appears more like a pole vault apparatus without the pole! To accept the possibility of moving on, alone, and that it’s Ok to do so.
I have been blessed I know. To have had the love of a good man, to know what that looks and feels like, is a gift. It’s a lovely thing to feel now that it doesn’t totally rip my heart out when I do; a gift I will have forever. It is a process of assimilating those feelings into a new part of my heart, Paul’s part of my heart. Forever his, forever mine. As I do maybe my heart is freeing up for other things, other people…maybe.
So there is life in the old girl yet! Thank God! I wandered if I’d see the day. So maybe one day I will have that party with a piece of cake and red balloons…just maybe I will.