I like to be tough, strong, if you ask me how I am, I’m fine. And I am. Physically I am, but emotionally I am tired. I don’t like to admit it, someone might say “you poor thing”, and I dislike that intensely.
Our local area has flooded, the trauma rising and falling, loss swirling around the community. Drought, bush fires and now floods, not to mention COVID. Trees that were blackened are now being uprooted and washed away. Peoples everything washed away completely or covered in thick, brown sludge, too foul to be called mud. Livelihoods ruined, lives changed forever…again and again.
It has all made me realise a certain fatigue, a tiredness of soul that has crept up and up over many years. I have been reading about vicarious trauma, compassion fatigue and many syndromes that are finding new names as research goes on. I do not have a definitive conclusion, but if it’s not a thing already I think “Disaster Fatigue” should be included in the list. But my own characterisation the symptoms include
- Tiredness
- Brain Fog
- Wakefulness
- Lack of being able to put a sentence together (maybe that’s normal for me!)
- The need to consume junk food to calm the soul
- The constant scrolling through Facebook groups offering help and assistance
- Helping out in the community beyond your capabilities, enhanced by inability to say no
- The need for binge watching Everybody Loves Raymond to laugh and get one’s mind on something else
- And many, many more nondescript symptoms yet to be discovered and characterised
I think the last ten years have taken a toll, of course they have, before any natural disasters the most unnatural disaster depleted me internally. This blog began as a personal tool for healing. An exercise in trying to make sense of a new world without a husband, without a father and without a reason to go on. So much changed. In writing about my feelings I have come to grips with them, I understand myself in a new way. Life became simpler, and offered me a way to move forward.
Now I want that again, I want to see beyond the suffering that has become stock standard in my community. I know beyond a shadow of doubt that there is always hope. It is always offered, always available, sometimes it just seems hidden behind the latest disaster. For me I find that hope in my Faith, I can receive hope from a source Greater than I am, more able than I am.
In church this morning while everyone was singing beautifully, I found myself thinking about active recovery. After strenuous activities low intensity exercises help to keep the blood flowing through your muscles, aiding in recovery by preventing lactic acid build up that can contribute to muscle soreness, toxin build up and decreased flexibility. That’s what I need. I need to stretch, to help out when I can. To keep moving, not letting hopelessness or despair take hold. To keep on walking, fixing my eyes on more than the circumstances around me. I need to actively feed my soul to rid it of toxins like self doubt, cynicism, and selfishness. They can cause a lot of pain.
So I did. I gardened, I made myself go to church, I ate a good lunch, I rested some and then I wrote. Guess what? Of course, I feel so much better. My soul feels a little lighter already. It will take more time, but I can see it again, the hope. It’s there, not quite brimming, but it will be OK.
A little more tomorrow, and even more the next day. Not passive, but seeking and finding, searching and receiving. One foot after the other, stretch, recover, stretch, recover … and hope is clear again.
Are you depleted? Do you need to some low impact activity to make you feel alive again? What do you love to do? Be kind to yourself, yet tough enough to do what you need to do. One step at a time, little bit by little bit. I’m no expert but here are a few ideas
- Talk to a friend, if not comfortable with that try a counselor/doctor
- Go for a short walk
- Listen to music
- Garden, fish, golf, tennis, ride, climb…whatever the thing is you love, because you love it not because the cool kid down the road does it
- Say yes when someone asks you out for a coffee, meal or catch up.
- Know that your life has purpose, you have a reason for living. God doesn’t make filler-inners, just real deals.
- Pray, knowing life is more than the sum of the circumstances around you. Ask for His peace, He longs to give it.
The Sequel 