It’s OK with me

I just let out a big sigh of relief. I decided that it’s OK. It’s OK that I am not yet OK. 

OK?

This morning I sat with some beautiful women that have faced some of life’s worst. Death, divorce, and debilitating illnesses just to name a few. Different circumstances leading to similar heart responses: grief, hopelessness, sadness, weariness, loneliness, and despair to to name a few more. We talked about our journeys and how we feel now. It made me think, “Am I OK? Where am I in my journey to wholeness?” And I have to concede, I am not there yet.

 And it’s OK with me.

It’s OK to not load myself with the unrealistic pressure of having to have it all together, to look the part, to always put a smile on a face that sometimes aches. 

If life was only one hardship followed by years of recovery time all would be well. But this is rarely the case. Often our initial load of grief/sadness/hardship is followed by another adding to the load. Our shoulders stoop and the heaviness wearies our soul. Recovery appears set back and hopeless thoughts creep in. We pressure our soul to be better, stronger, look the part…

But why? I think, note I am not a professional I just think, we look at it all wrong. We see in a straight line with expectations of ourselves that are unrealistic and shrouded in appearance management. Life seldom behaves as it ought. It isn’t a series of hurdles down a smooth, straight track. It’s an adventure where you experience valleys, the cliff edge, rainbows in the rain, resting in the sun, beautiful sunsets and the dark of night. There is no prescription for it, no point A, B, and C then everything will be OK, well not for most. I think we intrinsically hope for the best but our perception of ‘the best’ is warped. Fame, riches, the biggest house, having it all together, and feeling elatedly happy all the time are not goals … they are outcomes. We are striving for the wrong things, controlling the wrong aspects of our life and measuring success by all things outward. If we could, if I could, see that the twists and turns in life are our light and shade, the hues that contribute to who we are, then we might relax somewhat . It doesn’t mean all disease miraculously disappears, or recovery time shortens, it just means I am who I am and I don’t need to belittle that with pretense. Sadness is still sadness, heartache is still real but I do not need to be on an unreal timeline of being OK, that ‘who knows who’ has dictated. 

There is enough we all face without the extra load of pretense, and thank God it’s not all darkness, I love a good sunset as much as the next guy! We all need to get by and we just can’t fall apart all the time, it’s pretty unrealistic in the world we have created. The day may not have produced the opportunity or outcome we desired, but is that really failure? We are walking our own adventure the way we know how to. Be OK with it, then you can be open to seeing what is around the corner, no amount of looking backwards will stop you from tripping over.  But at the end of each day our soul can be lighter, and brightened by knowing we are not failing, we just added another shade. 

I am forever grateful that even in the dark night I do not walk alone, this is my biggest and my greatest comfort. I walk knowing that God who created me knows my every step and continually whispers (sometimes shouts) in my ear to keep going. It is my ultimate truth. Not alone and keep on going, It’s OK. He does not ask me to be what I am not, after all I am His handiwork. I’m OK to Him.

I decided it’s OK with me. I’m going on the adventure,

And that’s OK.

Photo by @gordotkt