Tag Archives: remember

Love with a Wounded Heart

I still remember the feel of your kiss. Your lips, your prickles, your nose in the way. I remember the warmth of my lips in the crook of your neck. ..I miss the warmth of my lips in the crook of your neck. I see it and I can almost breathe you in still. I remember it now, but will I always? I don’t know.

Don’t slip away from me, stay.

I know what I ask is impossible; I just want it to be possible. I know I need to feel love again. I am so sore from the aching, so full of callouses from the scar tissue that used to be my heart. This should only be a post-operative complication, but I fear, oh I fear, its more and without treatment it could be fatal. I only know one course of treatment for that my Paul, you knew it too. Complete cardiac intervention by the Best of the best. By the Creator Himself. He knows its workings intimately. The treatment is love. I cannot see any other way.

To love with a wounded heart, push the boundaries, and rehabilitate the possibilities for life.

I love you xx

Every time I step outside after dark I look up and see the stars you loved so much. It draws me back to sitting with you around camp fires. Sometimes, at home, I’d wander where you were only to find you standing outside soaking in the vastness, the beauty, the Heavens. I bet you have a great view now. I hope you do. Sometimes I wander, can you see me? See the kids? Do you think of us, we think of you, I think of you all the time. I get a coffee, I think of you. I drive your car, I think of you. I see your dog’s sad eyes, I think of you. Your side of our bed, I long for you.

I know that it’s easy to be romantic or idealistic when I remember you, I get to choose the memories I ponder on. But often, my thoughts about you spring into my head because I see something you made, or fixed, your clothes and after shave where you left them, your tools, your saddle and I remember you, the real you. And I love the real you. Scrunched leather cowboy hat sitting crookedly on your head, horse nibbling at it, trying to get your apple and a smile on your face. I remember how you spoke with passion, your  deep voice, your strong hands that held mine.

Thank you Honey, for loving me, for caring about the world, for being alongside me for 21 years. They weren’t always easy times, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Thank you for the way you loved me, with purity, strength, zeal, and passion. You taught me a lot about love and how to be loved. I wasn’t always good at that, but you never gave up trying to make me feel like the apple of your eye. You changed me in many ways, I am better because you love me.

I miss you my love, my friend. I ache missing you, no words able to express the longing that gapes through me when I when I remember you, the real you. I wish we could marvel at the night sky and I could kiss you goodnight even once more… but I would never let you go.

I love you Paul. I always will.



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