Tag Archives: God

Stuck in the Middle

Honey,

Rock Heart When you died my world darkened. Colours lost their accents, and breath was hard to take in. Dramatic? Sure, as were the changes life took on without you. To be honest I didn’t really know that I could live this life without you. I didn’t want to.

The sun keeps rising, keeps setting, and still you don’t come back to me. And I’m stuck in the middle.

Between life with you and life without you.

Between past purpose and new hope.

Between the security of everyday and emptiness.

Stuck – needing to go forward, but not wanting to leave you in the past. Memories of you are great, but they can’t hold me. You are in my heart forever, but not in my arms.

Stuck in the middle isn’t somewhere I can live, not truly. It’s not a place that thrives. So I need to move to the next place my love. I need to be unstuck and I think I can see how. Really, I think I can and you helped me with that. “We love because He first loved us” the bible says of God’s love for us. He loves me, and He did it first. Before you died, before the tragedy my life became, before I got stuck in the middle. You knew that, you lived with that wonderful truth every day. Thank you.

God knew your days and knows my days. Nothing has shocked Him, He is unswerving. When my days were dark, He was there and He isn’t afraid of it. Where God is in my life He misplaces the dark. So in my dark days now I can see a little brighter, a little clearer and I will keep choosing to do so.
The ache is still there, consuming at times, but sometimes it gets swallowed by the light instead of it swallowing me. He loved you first, before me, and He loved me first, before you. I find comfort in that.


I am Mum and can be no more

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Honey, I miss you in so many ways.

Of course I miss your touch, your smile, your friendship, I miss everything always. But today I miss you as the kids Dad. I relied on your support and reassurance every day. I wish beyond any wish possible that you were back here, sharing the load, helping to steer this ship. I try to be everything they need, but fail before I begin because it is an impossible task to tackle.

I am Mum and can be no more.

I know they struggle and strain missing you, they love you and miss all their own things about you. It kills me that I can never fill that void. Pray for them won’t you? Although you and I cannot be all they need and require, I do know God can be. This is it, rubber hitting the road time, where I throw all my trust onto God as their Father, the Dad of all dads, and pray they choose to see Him. Not something to be forced, although I wish I could.

I am Mum and can be no more…but thank God I don’t need to be.


Love in my life.

Love in my life.

I am glad to have love in my life. So glad that I had you to love and share with.

Lots of people fall in love and then just kind of coexist. We really shared love. To be fair we didn’t create it; it was created for us and given to us. God did that, He authored love. We knew His love, shared that and it grew to be our love. Our threefold cord.  I am so very very grateful.

So what now that you aren’t beside me anymore? Always a part of me, always in my heart of course, but in so many ways you are gone. For this moment, I lay aside the sadness to glimpse beyond and see, I need to see.  I choose to see.

The love in my life is changing again, shifting out of a physical realm and settling back in the folds of His grace. It’s a sweet place that offers comfort, warmth and protection. I need those things. My threefold cord has had a strand ripped away, not as strong as it once was, but stronger than it was yesterday.

My cup isn’t overflowing yet, but it will again one day. I still have love. Love I can share, love that can grow, love that is capable of more than I could ever hope or imagine.

Love in my life.

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This is why honey…

Hi Honey, I hope you don’t mind but I am sharing you with my little world. I’m gonna keep telling you how much I love you, how much I always will, and someone else might read it too. It’ll be good for me; it helps our love live on a bit more. Some days I miss you so much it’s hard to function, life isn’t the same anymore. I know I never have to let you go, you can stay a part of me, in the very fabric of my soul, in the deepest part of my heart. But man, I really miss you here beside me. I miss you holding my hand, talking about our day, the way you were Dad to our kids, cuddling beside me, driving with you, your great coffee, how you could fix about anything, face challenges together…you know, everything!

You had me totally convinced you know that? That two really are better than one, I gave in and loved you with everything in me I could. It wasn’t always a smooth road, but thanks for walking it with me, bumps and all. Actually, some of those bumps added strength once we figured them out. You were good like that. Oh honey, you’re like home to me, warm, loving and comfy, I’m so damn homesick without you. I promised on your birthday that I would find hope again, and I will, we will. I know you want me to live my life here until I get to come there. The sun peaks through the clouds some days, it’s not searing, but I know seasons don’t last forever, they change, no two ever the same. It’s odd and scary to make plans without you, like I’m leaving you behind. I think you are praying for us though, and my plans are still our plans as long as I lean into God and let Him lead me. I love you my honey babe, play a song for me up there, and make it loud. xxxxxImage


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