My heart beats faster, I feel lightheaded, I find my adrenalin surging … its grief. It sneaks around the corner without invitation and pulls from my heart. I can’t control it, it’s the cost of grief.
When I see a picture, hear a song, smell an aftershave or even when I write I think of you. I know it’s why I write now, to remember you and for others to remember you. To see if my feeling can help another who is stuck in their feeling. It’s the cost.
My train of thought, my momentum, my joy sometimes. These are my my payments, I hope it’s worth it. I hope that my pain really, really can help someone else because it’s hard sometimes. It’s real for me, this isn’t someone elses life or story. Actually we all face the death of a loved one at some point, I did, I will again, you will too. But that’s why I pay. To let you know that it can be OK again. There is hope of hope, comfort for pain, a Friend for the lonely. I am proof.
Don’t give up my friend, it’s OK, I will pay, we will pay together. Remember them, keep them close to your heart, it’s OK to cry, I cry. The dark period will end, one day you will see the light beconning you to come outside and bask… do it, it’s OK. One step at a time, it’s OK to limp, I limp, but sometimes I run. I even laugh without feeling guilty now, that used to cost me a lot, so much wasted energy went on guilt. That cost is way too high, don’t pay it.
I feel a bit calmer now I just had to write, I had to bleed a little in order to come down from a grief moment. I’m OK, I will live with the cost. I hope you will too.