I am doing well.
16 months into this journey I know I am a different person to what I was. I now feel a determination to get on with life. To take the preverbal bull by the horns, dig my heels in and live. Oops mixed metaphors! But one was not enough!
I don‘t want to think about death all the time, I get it already!! I know grief and I just don’t want to look at it anymore. I know I will still have moments; I’m not naive to that. But the doom and gloom has to end. I’m giving it immediate notice, it needs to move out, its role has ceased.
Instead, I can look to living well and begin to make decisions that bring hope for the future. I will always, always love my Paul, no question there. Indisputable. But I think even he will be glad to gaze down from Heaven and think “Thank God woman, just get the heck on with it!” I knew him, I know how he thought. Just not sure if you can say “heck” from actual Heaven??
If something scares me I just need to do it afraid from now on. I believe strongly that God has my back, I will be OK. He is my backstop, nothing gets by Him. I also know myself and know I’ll stuff something up. I am over emotional at times, read situations more sensitively than I ought and discouragement can chase me. Maybe I should just let those things through to the Keeper.
I will take the bull by the horns, stare that sucker in the eye and refuse to let him run me down. I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what the actual future holds, really none, but I am going to live it anyway.
I am going to live it well, no bull.