Scared

I am scared to live fully and abundantly.  What if I lose again? What if I am never the apple of someone’s eye again? What if no one else on this whole planet ever cares, really cares, if I am theirs? What if I love again and am not loved back. What if I can never again lend the strength of my heart to another just to see them smile back at me? What if I compare too much and kill something before it even gets a chance to breathe? What if I never feel the touch, the heartbeat, the breath of another again? What if all this is true? What then?

Love found after love lost must be an amazing thing. Quite a gift. I wander if the wrapping, the complications of the past, adds to the gift? Layers and layers of intricacies that add to how special that gift could be. The very things that once broke our heart becoming the things that binds together. Or is it just romantic fodder? I don’t know. I think about this sometimes and conclude that it would be easier to shut my heart down, never feel bad again, but I would never feel good again either. I have felt a whisper in my heart of late “Keep your heart open” over and over. I am trying, but an open heart can be a target for pain, rejection and disappointment, and I’m not sure how much courage I have left.

I’m so tired. It takes so much energy to keep going, to keep trying to find the joy in things. It’s worthwhile, but it can become tiring. I’m sure God would have me quit trying, and just be in order to stop worrying about all the “what ifs” I cannot control. To do that requires some contentment in current circumstances. Further acceptance of my lot, that’s the real dilemma. Current worries versus a new level of accepting my widowhood. What a choice! I know the latter is the only pathway to peace, it just really sucks, but it’s my new challenge and I’ll try.

I guess I should be grateful really, not everyone experiences love like I did. We could fight like there was no tomorrow (mostly because I’m a bit fiery), but my Paul loved me deeply, that’s what I miss. No one on this earth loves me like that. Everyone’s different, every relationship different, but today I miss being the apple of my Pauls eye. I miss being his best friend, his closest everything. I don’t know if it’s possible to have anything like that again, but if I did, it would be the greatest gift.

 

2012 Janene camera 541 - Copy

 

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5 responses to “Scared

  • bunnyb1802

    Beautiful and yet sad because of love lost. There is hope in this but an awareness of the cost of keeping one’s heart open and vulnerable.
    God will be tender with your tender heart.
    Thank you for being willing to share your heart with us.
    God bless you for your honesty, not sugar-coating it.

    Like

    • janeneg

      Thanks. I sometimes have “bloggers remorse” after posting such personal things. But then I think “If I’m feeling it, someone else must be as well”. The best use of pain is to make it useful for someone else. And besides, hardly anyone I actually know ever reads this!!

      Like

      • bunnyb1802

        Jane I want to encourage you to continue sharing in that deep way. The Masked Rabbit is masked for a reason because some things I share could be painful to people I love and care about. At times, I worry anyway when I post about such things. However, like you, I agree that the best use of pain is letting others know – who might read my blog – that they are not alone, that faith in God and having a relationship with God does make a difference.
        I love that you take what has been so painful to you yet share openly, not to point to yourself but to point others to the source of your strength and being able to continue.

        Keep going Jane. I know you will be touching hearts.

        Liked by 1 person

  • Curving Toward Joy

    This is a tough one; I think it’s too soon for me to even think about it. My husband was the great love of my life and I waited a very long time for him to find me. I know my heart is closed, locked up tightly — can’t even think about inviting that love and intimacy again; Kevin is still so close. And I worry about my daughter. It’s not just me this time, should God have that planned for my future. I have to think about how it affects my girl — and that scares me. It’s easier to shut down because, like you, I’m not sure how much courage I have left. I was Kevin’s girl and I miss that.

    Like

    • janeneg

      Yep. I miss Paul too, more than I ever could have thought possible.I don’t know that I am actually ready to try again, no one is knocking on my door!! Just considering the possibility, the thought of not sharing my life with someone for the rest of my life seems …I don’t know, and I guess thats what I was trying to put words too. Maybe I am ready or maybe it’s just another side of grief???

      Like

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