The things I am now.

I am a single parent.

I am just Janene, no Janene and…

I am the payer of bills.

I am the keeper of my own secrets, not shared so much.

I am the decision maker for EVERYTHING…including toilets!

I am owner of a car stuck in my yard cause I don’t know how to make it go.

I am the owner of tools I cannot even name.

I am unsure what to do now.

When I lost my partner, I lost an actual partner. Shared decision making, shared responsibilities, shared love, shared frustrations, and shared fun all things of the past right now. I lost a good partner. But I think even when a partner is sick, sad or lacking somehow you still actually lose a part of yourself. Someone that you joined with for life vanishes from you, even if the vanishing began years before they died. Either way, life becomes something else, something you had never imagined. It becomes just me. It becomes just you.

So now I need to figure out who this “me” is. No one can do it for me. It just has to be done. Two things I know to do. One  is put one foot in front of the other and be open to the person I discover. To keep my eyes open and gingerly push on a door or two. Shyness and fear may try and hold me back. Why? Well that’s for another day!

Two is that I have a deep assurance that I am held by One greater than I am. I still have questions, less as time goes by, and some may never find answers. But my faith in God remains. I believe He restores, rebuilds and mends the broken. I am a candidate for all. What once flourished will do so again.

What do I do next?

Where do I go from here?

I don’t know, but at least I am willing to see.

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3 responses to “The things I am now.

  • skinnyandsingle

    Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  • Curving Toward Joy

    This is exactly what’s been going through my mind over the last week: my best friend is gone. I tried to write about it, but the words drowned in my tears, so I skipped blogging this week. Maybe I’ll do better next week…I don’t know. So many prayers and good thoughts heading your way, my friend.

    Like

    • janenegregson

      yeah I missed your post this week and wandered how you were doing. No rules that you have to blog every week of course. You are just very good at it. I find it healing, often when I feel stuck I make myself write and it kind of unsticks my emotions and can think clearly again. Look forward to next week. Prayers for you to friend.

      Liked by 1 person

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