It didn’t kill me.

winter sring

 

One year gone is just around the corner. Such a conflicted thought. What emotion do I feel first? I’m just not quite sure.

To tell the truth I wasn’t quite sure I’d really survive a year, really, I couldn’t see how such pain could yield anything but darkness. Complete despair is blinding, and hope doesn’t seem to take root. But what I’ve found is that it is more like a bleak winter. Snow, ice, and bitter cold destroy all signs of life but when springtime finally rolls around shoots of life can appear. Sure some things have died completely, but other things begin to flourish again. It’s also a time when new things can be planted, but I’m careful, the shoots are very delicate. Roots not yet established only hold enough nutrients for right now, so easy does it!

Part of me feels ready to burst forth and try to live again, I welcome that, it’s a new feeling. Yet not other parts, hence the conflict. But I hope the good parts will take the lead and the rest follow suit. I need to feel purpose again, feel love again, and continue to actually live. I think my Paul would welcome that, and my heart feels his smile just at the thought. It’s nice to remember him.

I will always remember him.

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